Regarding Residential Schools: Listening is the important thing

Maybe you've seen it, and maybe you haven't. An email has been going around, written by a fellow with a good heart, no question, but what he says misses the mark. It's dropped into my inbox three times already, from friends who also have good hearts. Folks who wish that all the anguish about Residential Schools would just go away.

The email in question is the fellow's lengthy letter written to a newspaper columnist, extolling the virtues of the good people who worked in Residential Schools, telling how the missionaries in his more northern community provided education and healthcare when both were lacking in the area, even mentioning how a certain brother built a merry-go-round for the children who attended the school.

But white settlers like him spreading happy stories about all the good things missionaries did is tantamount to telling residential school survivors and their children who suffer from intergenerational trauma that their experiences are not valid, and that they should just "get over it."

The fact of the matter is that the Indigenous People of our country were doing just fine before Europeans arrived on the shores of this continent. They had a very rich cultural heritage. Their world view and spirituality saw all of creation as sacred. They lived in harmony with the land and its creatures and developed a kinship with them that helped their environment to thrive even as people harvested enough to live on. They operated with a sense of abundance rather than scarcity, and gave generously rather than hoarding or commodifying things. Yes, there were disagreements and even a few battles among tribes, but overall, they sued for peace in the covenants known as treaties, for the sake of good relationships. They had rich trading, gifting, and sharing practices, a deep understanding of the medicinal values of plants, and a deep gratitude to Creator for all the gifts Creator provided for them. They saw everything as gift.

To put it bluntly, THERE WAS NO NEED FOR RESIDENTIAL SCHOOLS.

But then Europeans came with their sense of superiority over the Original peoples, and a desire to own this land, and the past almost 400 years of historical injustices wiped out entire Indigenous communities that had been self-sufficient for over a thousand years before settlers arrived. 

Blaming government for setting up the system and creating legislation that took away Indigenous land and rights, and defending the missionaries who got mixed up in the mess (or took advantage of it as employment for its many religious folks) is definitely not what's needed right now.

Settler peoples have talked at First Nations people long enough. It's time to listen. With shame and humility. To hear their pain without defending anything. To let their hurts seep into our souls. To let them know that even though we are deeply ashamed about what happened to them and our own past apathy regarding their struggles, we are with them, and that we want to walk with them, to right past wrongs, so we can all move toward healing and hope as a community, as a planet.

We need to learn from Indigenous people by hearing their stories and their wisdom if they are willing to share. But we should not expect them to educate us -- they owe us nothing, and they have been through enough already without having to revisit their trauma for the sake of helping us to understand it. Rather, it's up to us to seek out the many educational resources available -- books, webinars, videos, documentaries, websites. There are so many options, and there is so much to learn.

And once we have learned, we need to shift our thinking, our world view, toward seeing that all is gift, including the people who are hurting -- and who are forgiving us. And we still need to listen. Listening and walking alongside them, and feeling that we are all relations is the only way to heal this centuries old rift -- and save our planet from the kind of destruction that has been caused by forgetting that we need to live in harmony with it and each other. 

They are our teachers in learning to see everything as Creator's gift. Listen!

If you are looking for useful links and resources, here are some (that I keep flogging because I have found helpful):

• Treaty Talk: Sharing the River of Life  -- a beautiful 50 minute video about the re-beginnings of relationship between some settlers and Indigenous people in the last few years
• Indigenous Canada -- an excellent free course through the University of Alberta that teaches Canadian History from an Indigenous Perspective
• 21 Things You may not Know about the Indian Act -- short summary article by Bob Joseph and his more detailed book, 21 Things You may not Know about the Indian Act: Helping Canadians Make Reconciliation with Indigenous Peoples a Reality
• Edmonton Public Library's Prairie Indigenous Collection, which includes books by Indigenous writers from Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta (maybe your library has something similar, or has these titles in its collection)
• Aboriginal Peoples Television (APTN) and many CBC radio programs

If you have other favourite resources along these lines, I'd love to hear about them!

Simple Suggestion #224... Listen

Looking back through these simple suggestions, I've decided that my favourite ones have the shortest titles and need the least explanation. Today's is no exception.

Initially, I was going to call it "Use fewer words." But I've also been thinking a lot about the idea of not using words at all, just listening, and trying not to let anything get in the way of my listening -- to others, to God, to life around me. My own words and thoughts get in the way more often than I realize, and prevent me from really hearing. I miss too much of life that way!

I just wrote three examples to illustrate my point... and deleted them as I realized that it was too many words! I'll just say that I've learned a lot more by keeping my mouth shut and my ears open than I have by talking, and leave it at that.

Who will you REALLY listen to today?

P.S. For more Simple Suggestions, click here.

How many Global Millennials do you know?

Last Thursday I moodled about listening, and mentioned that I would be attending a workshop for people from across Western Canada who accompany or companion (listen to, care about, challenge, empower) the young assistants who work in our L'Arche homes for people with and without disabilities. As promised, here's a snapshot of what I learned, much of which is helpful to me as the mother of daughters who fall in the same age range as our assistants.

The young people who live and work with people with disabilities in L'Arche (and my daughters) are part of an amazing group. Most of them fall into the Global Millennial demographic, meaning that they were born between 1980 and 2000, and as such, are the first people on the planet to come of age at a time boasting both virtual and physical reality -- the world generated by computer technology and the world as we experience it without digital screens, through our five senses. As our presenter, University of Lethbridge sociologist, James Penner, often reminded us, they are natives when it comes to life in cyberspace, while those of us born before the 80's are immigrants. (I am reminded of that fact every time I have to ask one of my girls for help with our cell phone! And it's not even the latest and greatest version!)

James unpacked a lot of information about Global Millennials for our group, ideas that will hopefully help us to be better accompaniers. For example, we learned that the core values of these young people aren't very different from our own  (friendship, freedom, trust, honesty, being loved...) -- but that the things they worry about rank differently than the concerns of other demographic groups. The fact that they are living in a world of technology has done little for their sense of purpose, security and belonging. They have grown up in a world where human work is becoming devalued and replaced more and more by machines, where the economy's bottom line trumps everything, where hands-off (day care) parenting has been the norm for many families, and where capitalism has turned the planet into one big resource to be exploited.

The good news is that many Global Millennials are seeing through the myths that present-day consumer culture expects them to adopt as truths. They are beginning to understand deep down that the absolute autonomy and independence of individualism won't carry them as far as the interdependence they can find in community. They are learning that the pursuit of money, pleasure and possessions above all else is a sure way to emptiness and loneliness. They have started to see, quite clearly, that having a bunch of titles or degrees after one's name is no guarantee of success, and that personal identity goes beyond what a person does for a living.

"Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality," said Martin Luther King Jr. And so, an awareness of what our Global Millennials are up against can aid us to be better listeners who can help them toward a fulfilling adulthood. The young people I accompany both in L'Arche and at home have many gifts and talents, but don't always see their own potential, so the trick is to grab hold of opportunities to underline their value and steer them toward meaningful adulthood. If we can name their value for our world, and head them in a direction where they'll find opportunities to put their talents and passions to work, the world will only be better for it.

James Penner has had more than your average amount of experience in working with young people, which makes him an excellent and practical presenter on reaching out to our youth because he's been doing just that most of his life. He has much valuable information for parents, educators and faith communities, and his website can be found by clicking here. He's also written some very interesting books that can be found under the bookshop tab. I really enjoyed hearing his presentations and getting to know a man who is passionate about making a difference in the lives of youth -- and their supporters.

I'll leave you with a TED talk, part of which James shared with us. Peter L. Benson pioneered work on the positive facets of youth development (rather than the negatives, which are often what research looks at). Focusing on their positives is definitely a much more helpful way to understand and support our young people in our challenging world, a way that empowers them. Just think what the world would be like if we all operated according to our spark!

How many Global Millennials do you know? And if you have the opportunity, can you help them name their spark?

Learning the art of listening

For the next three days, I'll be attending a workshop put on by L'Arche's Western Region for those who accompany L'Arche assistants who work with our people with disabilities. I'm very much looking forward to it, because I have been accompanying some assistants over the last few years, and haven't always felt like I knew how to listen well enough.

Socrates is credited with saying, "The unexamined life is not worth living." In accompaniment, I listen, and hold out what I hear so that the assistant can examine it and decide if changes are required. I also offer encouragement and try to ensure that the assistant knows how to access what he or she needs to be good at caring for himself or herself and to live with people with disabilities in mutual relationship.

Henri Nouwen speaks beautifully about the spiritual hospitality offered when we listen:

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations.  True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known.   They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept. 

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond.  Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings.  The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves.  Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you. 

--Henri Nouwen  Bread for the Journey, March 11

I find that listening to assistants is easy because we set time aside just for that, I have no personal agenda when they come to visit, I find them so interesting, and I want to help them see how amazing they are. I also want to help my own family discover their own true selves, but somehow it's harder to listen well when life is making its day-to-day demands. I'm very fortunate to have and be a good sounding board with my husband, but it's not so easy with our children because all that parenting stuff gets in the way, if you know what I mean.

Motherhood means that I'm often distracted from what they are telling me by what I think I need to say to them. I'm not really listening as much as looking for an opening to remind them about their chores or some mundane thing that's not really important. I'm not paying them the kind of attention that helps them to discover their own goodness. Other times I want to listen, but they're too busy, and I think it would be great to tie them to a chair so that I can be sure that I'm hearing what they're really saying -- and what they're not! 

Perhaps I just need to remind myself more often to be open to those moments when they are trying to tell me something important -- or when they're seemingly talking about nothing. I need to remind myself that when they are talking, it's usually a run up to what they really want to say, and I need to make time for them to actually say it, as I do when accompanying L'Arche assistants.

Learning the art of listening is a tricky business. I'm hoping this weekend's workshop will help me to be more comfortable with my position as accompanier, and with my own vocation as a parent. Watch this space, as I hope to share what I learn.

Who do you really listen to? Who really listens to you?

#94... Give the gift of time

Are there enough hours in your day that you can give someone the gift of your time?
Time to ask "how are you?" and really hear the answer?
Time to give a hug, if needed?
Time to listen without interruption?
Time to offer feedback on an idea?
Time to share an empathetic story?

Time to play "I spy" with a child?

Time to stroke the cat, or take the dog for a walk?
Time to lend a helping hand?

Today's Simple Suggestion? Make a little time for someone else, of course. My girls just got home from school Halloween parties, so that's what I'm heading off to do.

P.S. Looking for more Simple Suggestions? Try here.

On being accompanied

Who accompanies you on your life journey? There are the obvious people -- family, and friends, mostly, and then there are the people who really listen. If you're extremely fortunate, you have family and friends who really listen. But sometimes it takes an outsider to help us to "discover the cause and meaning" of the things that set us back on our heels. Do you have someone like that?

I'm really fortunate in that I have several wonderful accompaniers who listen to me sort myself out on a regular basis. The reason having someone listen is important is that sometimes, if no one is listening, a thought that leads to a personal breakthrough is never completed. So I appreciate the fact that my family (parents, sisters and husband) are good listeners. Then there are the perceptive friends who are able to hear the things behind what's being said and ask the right questions to help me figure things out for myself. I'm also blessed to have a sharp spiritual director who is such a good listener that it's frightening. I drive home from sessions with him just shaking my head a lot of the time because he hits so many nails on the head!

And even as I am accompanied by all these wonderful people, I am accompanying some of them... and my own children. It's hard, sometimes, "to meet them where they are and not to judge them on the basis of an ideal or of what I think they ought to become," but I am doing my best to be a good listener and turn off the judgmental voices in my head so that they can put their hopes, difficulties and needs into words. It is critical to be able to voice those things in a safe place, to be heard and loved so that we can grow.

Who accompanies you on your life journey? And whom do you accompany?